Don't Pity Me.

I've been bad. I've been ba-ad. Goddamn terrible. I'll be the first to admit I suck.

To the -1 person reading this blog, I apologize. You may notice that this thing has laid dormant for about 3 months now. I won't bore you with meticulous personal shit as to why I don't write (moving, etc.) but the fact remains that I fucked up.

My problem is as such – I go into peaks and valleys of productivity, which causes all of my creative endeavours to take a nosedive. Sometimes I feel like when I write too much on a regular basis my head just empties out and I realize no one gives a shit about what I'm writing about. I'm bad at imposed deadlines when they come from myself.

But sometimes... Sometimes you gotta be selfish. You gotta write for yourself about the things you love. Share the shit you want to share. Isn't it the very essence of the internet (apart from pornography and narcissistic social media activities)?

The good news, though, is that I'm back on-track. I'm holding a Post It here with a bunch of topics I'd like to write about in the next little while, and I think I'll follow through. Because these topics intrigue me. And by extension, hopefully, they'll intrigue you too through my mediocre word-cramming skills.

Before that, though... A breather. Summer is indeed upon us. Time for some rap anthems. Yes? Yes. I usually use some of these song when making my way to work in the morning as part of a musical ritual I use to keep shit moving. WHITE DUDE LOVES HARD RHYMES? Better believe it. Just a few tracks, though. Let's ease each other back into this relationship. No hard kisses on the mouth, just a bit of handholding.

1. Wale feat. Rick Ross and Jadakiss - 600 Benz
2. Method Man - Bring The Pain
3. Young Jeezy feat. Plies - Lose My Mind
4. Cam'ron and Vado - Speaking In Tungs
5. Wacka Flocka Flame - Hard In Da Paint
6. Wu-Tang Clan - Careful (Click Click)
7. Big KRIT - Country Shit
8. Tyler, The Creator feat. Frank Ocean - She
9. Jamie Foxx feat. Rick Ross - Living Better Now
10. Jay Z feat. Swizz Beatz - On To The Next One
11. Yelawolf - Pop The Trunk
12. Alfamega - 4 or 5 Ways (This doesn't mean we fuckin' advocate for snitches, guys. We merely like the concept of the song. SNITCHES GET STITCHES AND BASEBALL BATS TO THE GROIN.)
13. Lloyd Banks - Beamer, Benz Or Bentley

13? Perfect number.

Staying Posi, Despite The Lyrical Content

Every time I open up this blog post edit window and begin to write, I often catch myself and am completely unsure of what exactly I should be saying. It's that great paradox of choice: the more options laid out in front of me, the harder it begins to start to construct words, which lead to eventual ideas. The simple ones grow into complex narratives that end up abandoned because they are simply too grandiose (and quickly lose any meaning I may have tried to intend). So I'm back to basics on this one, I've decided to give birth to a New Age Of Simple Ideas™.

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And so with all of this discussion of choice, I now present you with one.

"I would die for you."

That phrase, used with frightening regularity, has come up a few times today within the cadre of the music I've been exposed to through a variety of media. Slightly amusing, slightly fatalistic, fully hilarious. In the words of Fozzy Bear, oletsdodis.

THE CONTENDERS:

Jann Arden – "I Would Die For You" (1993)
Prince - "I Would Die 4 U" (1984)
Garbage - "#1 Crush" (1996)
Bruno Mars - "Grenade" (2010)
Bryan Adams - "Everything I Do (I Do It For You)" (1991)

Which is your fav/least offensive use of the phrase?

FIGHT.

Hastie's Random Rules

I'm a huge fan of the AV Club. I think their take on all things pop culture is an interesting and much-needed one, and it is a site that sets itself apart from the pack of celebrity-worshipping blogs that unfortunately seem to dominate the web.

One of my favourite features on the site (and one that they rarely do these days, unfortunately) is called Random Rules. Basically an AV staffer will hook up with some sort of culture producer and they talk about a number of songs on said producer's iPod. I really like that idea, and in the spirit of getting a little creative, I'm going to interview myself as I explore my iPod.

1. 50 Cent feat. Justin Timberlake - Ayo Technology
I have this on my iPod because it makes me realize that for any amount of money, Justin Timberlake will say whatever the fuck you want him to. 'I'm tired of using technology/why don't you sit down on top of me'? What the fuck does that mean? Is he a fucking Luddite who suddenly decides that he must procreate at all costs? The beat's pretty good, the entire song is whack. If memory serves correctly, the music video has 50 either pointing a sniper rifle or having a sniper rifle pointed at him.

So you've seen the music video?
Well yeah. Someone sinks enough money into a product and I need to watch it. It's like a train wreck. Television in Canada actually shows music videos too, it's pretty fucked how we're progressive like that.

2. The Beatles - I Am The Walrus
This song, for some reason, doesn't appeal to me. Kookookafuckyou, to quote Chkchkchk. It's a piece of psychedelic garbage. I appreciate the production and Lennon's crazy vocal stylings, like he's calling in from an amped-up telephone. The orchestration's nice too, but fuck. Overrated.

Does that mean you think the Beatles, as a whole, are over-rated?
To be quite honest with you, yes. There's so much hit-and-miss going on because they were too deep into the drugs to actually pull their heads back and realize what a good song entails, once in a while.

That's gonna cause some controversy.
Yeah, but then again, I have like 400 Cure songs on this thing, so who the fuck cares what I have to say. My opinion is invalidated. I do love their innovative production ideas, though.

Robert Smith vs John Lennon - Who wins?
Well it depends on the arena. Are we talking street fight? Because if so then I think Robert just because his hair has been sprayed so much with chemicals that it acts like a natural helmet. It's also its own habitat. Birds and small children roam free inside. If it's in a musical arena, I think Lennon would win, just because he meanders less and is more consistent when it counts. Smith loves the delay pedal a bit too much.

3. Faith No More - Everything's Ruined
I don't suck on the dick like many people do when it comes to Mike Patton. I like his delivery in the song, I love the fact that the bass is prominent, I also enjoy the fact that the guitars are kinda layered in back and huge. And I honestly do enjoy Patton's singing and talking, he reminds me of a hobo asking me for change and then busting out in a full-scale Broadway production. Shit's always awesome and unexpected to hear and see. I would've loved to see them live before they started sucking by all accounts, which was like mid '97.

Do you enjoy any other of Patton's projects?
I bought Mr. Bungle's Disco Volante and I use it to scare my cats out of the back of closets when needed. I enjoyed his Peeping Tom project a lot, and I think all of the Fantomas records have their own moments that I find really neat. Tomahawk's newest release is just too fucking weird for me to care about, even though I've tried a few times. I kinda want Patton to start doing radio drama, I feel like his cult of personality could really bring the concept back in a big way. Imagine Mike Patton solving crimes? It could guest star people like Henry Rollins (the voice of God), Trent Reznor (the whiny victims), Rick Rubin (the guy who discovers the body that triggers the investigation), Rick Wakeman (he'd be giving Mike Patton capes and advice), Rick Astley (he'll never give up on Mike), Rick James' voice (a cautionary tale about playing too much bass and doing too much cocaine), the guys from the Mars Volta (for "authentic exotic flavour"), Sean Penn could be made fun of on a weekly basis... It'd be the hippest thing since dropping 7"s in multiple colours.

4. Wintersleep - Caliber
I always thought of this band as the Canadian winter to The Tragically Hip's summer. Songs like "Caliber" have this heavy-handed drumming and production that's gritty and atmospheric. The lyrics to the song ('you keep your caliber loaded/no one's gonna fuck this up') are pretty harsh and straight-forward. Their two first albums are like slabs of 3 am goodness. "Sore", "Listen Listen (Listen)", "Avalanche"... All of those are songs I put on when I'm stuck on a bus overnight. They give me goosebumps in that they're haunting in a way I can barely describe with words that make sense when strung together.

Why do you think of the Hip as a "summer" band?
Songs like "Ahead By A Century" just make me think of backyards and children running through fields. It's got that nice, non-threatening acoustic guitar, whereas Wintersleep's is of a more pressing nature, as if they've got to spit venom but have never discovered the joy of dropping 8 bars on your arch-rival's ass.

5. Jay-Z - Izzo (H.O.V.A.) - MTV Unplugged
The Jay-Z Unplugged record is fantastic. It's got so much going on in so many ways that it's captivating. It's like listening to a Roots record (most of the band appears on it and ?uestlove orchestrated it, natch) with one of the best MCs ever, performed live. How many rap records can you claim to hear kick-ass windchimes? Jay's at the top of his game, and he actually does a great medley in the mid-section of the record that totally makes the record stand out, making this much more than a repackaged 'best of' that other lesser artists would have done. There's also some extended performances that stretch up to the 6 minute mark, but that's okay because it's so captivating. Jay trades in beats for beauty and it works out wonderfully. I can listen to this all the way through without hitting fast-forward once.

Do you celebrate all of Jay-Z's catalog?
Sure, to some degree. Dude has some great songs and some average ones. But therein lies the magic of Jay-Z: His average songs are actually better than certain rappers' entire discographies.

Anyone you'd like to name?
Sure. Rhymes with Ra Jule. Dude steals X's bark, sings hooks like he's seen a music sheet before and his thug life consists of Maury repeats. Real fucking tough, man. Oh yeah, whatever the fuck happened to Blackstreet? No diggity, no more place in the spotlight for you guys.

Fear not...

We've been busy as bees here at the blog. I've been working on a few longer pieces that will take up a lot of my time to finish up, and so that's why we've maintained radio silence. In the interest of keeping you interested, here are a few cool tidbits I've come across to tide you over... consider it a culture catch-all.

-Ever wonder why merch prices are so fucked up? alt.press looks into it.

-Udo Kier: Best. Interview. Subject. Ever.

-Also on the same tip: Apparently Jon Lovitz knows everyone in Hollywood.

-The best tour my eyes have seen this year is coming to MTL.

-Justin Bieber's Christian knock-off tries to gain momentum. HURRAY.

-'This week in dead animals.'

I'll soon be posting up an in-depth analysis of Kanye West's newest album, as well as some musings about hardcore music.

The Undead And You: 3 Zombie Movies That Surprise

There are a lot of shitty movies out there in that giant cultural zeitgeist, that black hole of filmdom. I should know this - I've watched way more than the average person. I've divided up up a lot of these "bad" movies into three categories:

•The fuck was that: Movies that are so bad that they're memorable. These are movies where there are technical errors (boom mics visible, characters switching names, visible crew members in the shot, giant logic holes and plot problems, scenes in random orders) are paramount and the serious tone is quickly tossed out the window in order for the lols to live free. A prime example? Silent Night, Deadly Night Pt. 2.

•Somewhere in the middle: Their production values are decent, their storylines and actors forgettable, there is not one intriguing stylistic choice present during the whole feature.A chore to get through, the laugh factor is low. The story's been done before, and done before. A lot of direct-to-DVD movies are of this caliber, unfortunately.

•"Holy shit, that was actually really good": This is the kind of movie that pleasantly surprises. Instead of sucking wholly (based upon knowledge gleamed from various things like the box art, summary, cast list and trailers seen), these are the rare gems, the movies that surpass expectations and genuinely are filmic treats. the following list are three of those types of films.

1. Zombi (aka Zombi 2 aka Zombie aka Zombie Flesh Eaters aka Woodoo) (1979)

Sometimes movies have an alternate name for the international market. Sometimes movies have a working title and then an actual release title. Sometimes, movies like the one listed above have a cavalcade of loosely-affiliated names that tell an intriguing tale.

Romero's Dawn Of The Dead was released in 1978 in Europe as Zombi, recut/renamed by Italian director Dario Argento to emphasize the action elements of the picture. Argento, the one who kicked Romero's butt into making a proper sequel while he was in his post-NOTLD funk (Seasons Of The Witch, anyone?), Zombi (or Zombi 2), by Lucio Fulci, was marketed as an official sequel to Dawn Of The Dead '78 in Italy and drew massive profits when it was originally released. A tale of lost relatives and a search that leads a team to a remote, zombie-filled island is the basic premise of this tale. The scenes that make this film stand out are numerous: zombie vs. shark, human eyeball vs. giant splinter, the last 20 minutes of the flick. Well worth checking out, moreso than the subsequent sequels (Zombi 5 boasted motherfuckin' DEADLY BIRDS).

2. The Dead Next Door (1988)

This late '80s shot-on-Super-8 (yeah, that's right, Super 8, the same videostock your mom used to capture your '80s-ccentric toddler adventures) gorefest has one thing that a lot of zombie movies lack: heart. A lot of these tales have a proper narrative and a cast of (somewhat empty) characters, this one manages to stretch an exceedingly small budget into a tale about a pack of government-funded zombie killers who also have to battle a cult of undead worshippers. Produced in part by Sam Raimi (back when he wasn't busy dealing with Spider-Man and loved chainsaws), this movie was shot in bits and pieces over a series of years. This is the type of movie that can be shown to budding film enthusiasts as a way of actually getting shit done with almost no money. It's kinda like Clerks, but with more guns. And zombies. And despair. A sincere love letter to the genre on a shoe-string budget.

3. Dead Alive/Braindead (1992)

Peter Jackson, he of the Hobbit boner kind, was once a lowly New Zealand filmmaker who dreamed of nothing more than gross-out gorefests and strange alien tales. I remember seeing this film when I was at the very impressionable age of 13, at the time where Jackson was merely known as that dude who was making that movie with Michael J Fox and ghosts. Pre-LOTR trilogy, Jackson was small fish, capable of crafting a gory tale. The film's mix of comedy, special effects and a story everyone can relate to made it a winner in my book. The bloodtacular ending scene (where there were literally buckets of blood utilized) is worth seeing at least once. The mix of comedic and horrific elements works exquisitely well, one of the rare instances where the outcome is positive.